Reflections of a training psychologist

Break

2007-09-18T17:38:00.000+08:00

I broke it today. Being pressured I tell you, is not the best way to break your dam.

It's been a real journey of discovering myself more in the second round of practicum. On top of staying on track with my coursework and thesis, the practicum is also my focus. With my second supervisor, he's been a real blessing in that he's experienced, knows his stuff, and does not spoon feed his supervisees.

Everytime I go for supervision, it's a real grilling, brain-frying, and draining session. Today, I broke under the pressure and just bawled. Bawled my eyes out.

I'm so tempted to run away, and just forget this whole load about psychology and whatever not. Getting into graduate school was easy-peasy for a while, but now that it's taking a toll on my own personal life, it's MAD.

I am learning to deal with myself, for avoiding and running away will never work. The mess will catch up with me every time. All the time. So, stand up, face the emotions and work things out.

Emotions spent and brain fried, perfect equation for sleeping all the way home on the bus. I don't normally sleep, I tell you.

Near completed status

2007-06-27T10:55:00.001+08:00

I officially finish my practicum sesh at the home today (provided the girls appear). I've got only 2 more hours to clock and it's a mixture of feelings.

Hmmm...

I can't imagine that I've gone through this - with all it's emotional ups and downs, and wow, I stand amazed because God has been with me through it all. I did a final closure sesh with some girls on Monday and their reactions and feedback towards the sessions I had with them were somewhat a pleasant surprise! All except one were kinda sad that it was ending; I mean, I was surprised because all these while, they've been grousing and grumbling about coming to see a psychologist and then at the end of it, they say that they would feel a difference without me coming in to see them anymore because then they'd have a loss of someone they can talk to.

When I talked over this with my supervisor, he told me the exact same thing that he had told me before when I first started out with this prac stint. He had said that at the end of the practicum when I do my final sesh with the clients, I might be surprised that it wouldn't be the interventions and solutions that would make an impact upon the client but my mere presence would do just that. I remember thinking and feeling odd thinking about the possibility of that. At the end of prac, I don't feel that it's odd anymore. I think it's true.

The message and lesson learnt here is this: never underestimate the power of just being there for a person. I remember when I first started out, I adopted the stance of a superwoman or heroine, if I may, thinking that I'm out there to save these girls from hell and horrible failure in life, and make a world of a difference that they would bow down and thank me from the bottom of their hearts, and hail me as a wonderful influence that dramatically changed the course of their lives. Okay, this version is very exaggerated, but you know what I mean. I wanted to make a difference! And here at the end of it, I think that I made no difference, and I felt like I was a nobody, beat up and almost bent out of shape, if not for my faith and a helpful supervisor and a supportive network of friends. But yet, I did have an influence, although not in the glorified idealistic way that I had in mind before. My presence itself for them was the influence. The power of just being.

I have had a roller coaster experience; a slow roller coaster ride. Of one which I got off many times, screaming that this ride would end. Childish as it may sound, I really wanted it to end because it was so painful for myself to face the emotions and struggles in me. I've learnt lessons in perseverance, in facing up to personal issues that would stand in my way of being a more congruent person and professional, in learning that being ethical for the well-being of the client is much more important than my own selfish personal desires. I shall write about these on a later date. Meanwhile, cheers to this experience, am grateful for it, and now it's time for me to do reflection upon this experience.

"You mean...

2007-06-25T23:48:00.001+08:00

...that pychologists can read people's minds? You know what I'm thinking now?" quips my client.
"No" (!!!!)

People always think that psychologists read people's mind. Noooo! It's not like that at all. I therefore take opportunity of this online mode of communication to explain that it is not like that at all. Hah!

Firstly, psychology is a science and an art at the same time. It's science because there's a method and structure to studying the human mind and emotions, and what have you. It's art because emotions and such stuff are artsy and not sciency. So, in short, it's a methodological study of the human mind, emotions, behaviour and etcetera.

Our work, therefore, involves seeing clients, and making a (hopefully) thorough assessment of the person, and then work from there together with the client to come up with solutions and ways of improving the situation/problem that the client first came in with, in the context of the background of the client. So, psychologists have training in observing non-verbal behaviour, body language, voice pitch and tone, seating arrangements (when in family or organizational settings), etc etc etc and lots more etc.

This is where people mistake psychologists for reading people's mind because we observe and therefore come up with hypotheses as to why certain behaviours are performed. When the hypotheses are confirmed, people are then amazed as to how psychologists are soooo adept at mind-reading.

So, no. I can't read your mind. That must be a relief! =)

Parent meetings

2007-05-10T20:09:00.000+08:00

I have been feeling the apprehension in meeting the parents of my clients. I am suspecting my own fears of being incompetent - considering my experience and inevitably, age - as being able to meet them. Lamenting to my supervisor regarding the fear and apprehension only served to make me feel the same. He said "Just go and face the parents, you might enjoy, it for all you know! When meeting them, don't anticipate anything too much, just be ahead of them for 5 seconds, don't plan and plan and plan!"

Scary?

ARghhhhhgghh!!!

What do you do...

2007-04-19T22:10:00.000+08:00

...when your clients don't turn up and you go all over the farm (haha, no lah) chasing for them?!?!!? And when you go to the site and they don't turn up? You go home. Yes. Go home, but of course in quite a bit of frustration.

On the side, what do you do when you have a client who does not want to face up to reality, and instead is avoidant of the issues she is aware of? Give 10 pounds of support, and then 1 pound of reality-in-the-face-session. It's just like the concept of give 10 servings of encouragement before giving 1 serving of smacking and scoldings. It's not only my client that is like this, there's heaps of people in the world who avoid talking about real issues in their lives, and therefore sweep everything under the carpet. It will explode in due time. Facing up to reality and real issues of your own personal life takes guts, and courage. But with help from loving people around you, you will get through it. If you are the one going to help someone through their issues, give them 10 pounds of support, before giving them 1 pound of smackeroos!

Verbal diarrhea

2007-04-19T11:30:00.000+08:00

It was crazy yesterday at group counselling. Everyone was talking and talking and talking. Good? No. They were talking irrelevant stuff, and my partner and I couldn't stop them properly. Tiring day.

It's disrupting when another person who is not supposed to come in for the group comes and talks about stuff and then topples everyone's conversations over. Even worse, if any one persons uses the group time to have verbal diarrhea and talk and talk and talk, and everyone joins in to contribute, and not use the time for what we were there for.

Sometimes, it is the issue of boundaries, and sometimes it is the issue of not being able to control. For my partner and I, we firstly were not clear on what our communication were. We are co-leaders, so we needed to have some sort of communication between us, but we didn't. So it went wild!!

Also, family sessions sometimes can be so deceiving, in that they seem to be aye-okay on the surface, going for a few weeks without any conflict, and suddenly out of nowhere, there is an eruption in session. What to do? I started all over again with the process of getting both parties of parents and child to have an understanding and a deal between them - to get them somewhere first. There's much more underlying issues, but that has got to wait. It's like up and down, see-saw game.

Therefore, it's imperative to have emotional balance for myself. Honestly, I was thinking about it, and thought that it's real tough to work with such a population. There seems to be progress, and then all of a sudden, bleak again, then good, then terrible. Got to have a strong vision to be able to persevere. I guess in any job, it's important to gain balance in one's emotions, and not to be entangled emotionally - very detrimental to performance if there is such entanglement. But then the question arises: what is the balance between empathy and remaining your own individual?

Prayer for, and in therapy

2007-03-07T10:40:00.000+08:00

I have recently had the experience of a language-block. Supposedly calling up a client's parents to discuss an appointment, turned out to be a shocking realization for me that I've got to speak in CHINESE! My Chinese is nowhere conversational. When people speak, I make out what they mean by putting jigsaw puzzles of their facial expressions, some words I understand, hand gestures, the context, etc. and then make meaning of the things s/he has just said.

I've been rehearsing my Chinese speech for a father of a client I was supposed to call, to ask for permission to take video/audio tapes for my supervision process. And...I was praying and praying before that, and rehearsing my speech, (I had asked for a translation of what I wanted to say last night and written down in han yu pin yin) and the conversation lasted for 9 minutes and 23 seconds!! WOhoooooo! The power of prayer in therapy (so to speak) is important. I realize the difference when I pray before seeing and talking with respective parties in the process of therapy, and when I don't pray. It's amazing. It changes things around. There have been studies regarding spirituality in counselling, and I am going to check that out.

Hard lesson

2007-03-03T21:56:00.000+08:00

Since starting my prac, there's been heaps of opportunity to learn how to be less pushy. To let the client's agenda be the primary focus, instead of my agenda.

There has been many incidences where I am to just keep my cool. Don't be affected and irked by what my clients say or do. Not to take things personally. Imagine your client/s coming in to the room and giving you a black face, horrible "ask-me-if-I-care" attitude, monsyllabic answers, and alternates between rolling her eyes, glaring and looking at other things other than your face. I was SO mad when this thing first happened in one session. Another session, the client slept. Sometimes, the client's cooperative and motivated, sometimes unbothered and demotivated. Confusing huh!

Despite all these, I've got to keep my cool, don't feel personally attacked, and most importantly, DO NOT lose the battle for authority that the client is fighting for. My supervisor said that this client is playing me out. Well, I don't blame this person either (let's refer to her as X). X has gone through a lot in life, seen so many counsellors and psychologists, and police in X's whole life. When I walk in through the door, I'm just "another one of them" for X. What makes me different? X is finding out through our sessions. X is fighting with X's all, and will not care less unless I show that I am worth it. So, I've got to be calm, keep my cool, and yet make sure I'm in authority. X does not need another friend. Neither another authority to tell X what to do. X needs structure, and someone to respect. That's what X needs, and that's what I have to deliver.

However, it's tough. I was reeling. REALLY mad. Countertransference, if talking in psychological terms. But bottom line was that I was stinking mad. And my supervisor asked me "why?" He was not interested in what was the situation and circumstance, he was interested in my interpretation of the circumstance. I perceived X as being noncooperative, and not working together with me. Therefore, I was mad. I expected X to do what I expected X to; which was to be a motivated, obedient and compliant client. For all she cared, she was not interested in being any of those. My supervisor said, "The client's agenda is the focus, not yours. The reason you are mad is because you are pushing your agenda to your client, and since she's not following it, therefore you feel like that!" Also, he said this, "Your personal hang ups will catch up with you when you are in counselling". I was...amazed at the truth of his words. Being pushy is an issue for me. And it caught up with me.

Well, what I am doing is, as my supervisor says, to continue my sessions, as much as possible, because that is the only way I am going to overcome my inadequacy in being pushy. Not to run away from my issues, but to face it head on, and experience it, and overcome it. Not easy, but am in the process. May God help me.

What's with this?

2007-03-02T14:31:00.000+08:00

It's been a whole lot of ups and downs in my 6 weeks of training as a psychologist. I meant to put this blog up earlier; anyhow, I'm here now.

This place will be reflections of my work, development, anything of interest with regards to the profession, and professional practice. Good day, everyone!